Breakups are never easy to deal with, especially when it was the man who initiated it. Women coming off a bad relationship find themselves in an emotional limbo, where they look for time and space to recover and sort her emotions out. This is a normal and healthy reaction – what may be unhealthy is how she decides to recover from a bad relationship.

Women recovering from emotional breakdowns tend to ask themselves what went wrong in the relationship, such as something she did that may have forced him to leave her, or whether she could have done something to convince him to stay. Some women spend so much time focusing on “what went wrong” in their relationship that these thoughts dominate their psyche when heading into the next relationship – and it’s never a good sign.

Basically, these women can make two types of mistakes, each the flip side of the other.

First, these women may look for a man with the exact same qualities of their “ex.” This is an attempt to start over, to see what would happen if they recreated their previous relationship and only stayed away from the things they think they did wrong. Sadly, this doesn’t work – it only shows that these women haven’t gotten over their ex, and will naturally work to the detriment of the new relationship.

And second, these women may look for a man with none of their ex’s qualities. These women think that if they got into a relationship with a totally different man, they can prevent the same types of problems from happening again. Unfortunately, doing so doesn’t mean they’ll be free from all relationship problems – they’ll only have different ones. Worse, these women may find themselves in a relationship with a man with so few good qualities.

So is there a way to recover from a bad relationship without getting into something that’s even worse?

Yes, simply by doing the opposite of what most women do when soul-searching. Instead of focusing on what went wrong, try to think of what went right – try to remember the good things that happened in your past relationship and how they began. This may be very difficult, especially if you have to use these good vibes to move your next relationship forward – but it’s simply the only way to get over the breakup and emerge as a hardier, more mature woman.

The bottom line is this – what you focus on will grow. If you focus on your insecurities and imperfections, you can bet that these will be the forefront of your self-image when you get into your next relationship. Doing the opposite – focusing on your good traits and attractive strengths – gives you a healthy emotional boost when starting over.

Just remember that there used to be a time when being with a man was the best part of your life. Your focus should not be so much into getting into an relationship with none of the things that went wrong, but instead getting into one with more of the good things that went right. If you head into a new relationship with a pessimistic frame of mind, you can bet it’s going to be a miserable one.

aaron adams specializes in relationship matters for women. tired of games? be loved for the real you. visit http://www.datingquestionsforwomen.com .

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